When the subject of self-love and self-compassion comes up, they are typically met with either an eye roll, a shrug of the shoulders, or someone saying “I haven’t quite got to that yet.” It feels like something many people brush off, shove to the side, or avoid altogether. Self-love isn’t a luxury, though, nor should it feel like a chore. It is not merely a box to tick on that ever-expanding to-do list, but rather something that happens each and every day. There are many ways to make this a daily routine without having to make massive changes to your life.
Small, realistic changes are the ones that tend to last the longest and make the biggest positive impact in someone’s life; grand gestures tend to fizzle out after a short period of time. Even if you can do one of the following suggestions, you may feel better about yourself.
Firstly, pay attention to how you think and speak about yourself. Catching negative self-talk and replacing it with something more positive goes a long way in improving your relationship with yourself. A good guide for this is to ask yourself if you would ever speak to someone in your life the same way you do to yourself. Chances are the answer is no, so try extending that same kindness and patience to yourself.
This next change is one that can also make a strong positive impact on your life: rest without guilt. We seem to live in a time where people are encouraged to push themselves and feel bad when they need a break. From this, intense feelings of guilt and shame can surface, creating a narrative that resting means that you are lazy or wasting valuable time. This is simply not true. Resting is maintenance, not laziness. Self-love means knowing when to shift gears and allow yourself to recuperate.
Lastly, allowing yourself to feel your emotions can be revelatory. So often, people feel the need to pack their emotions away since they can be messy, inconvenient, or confusing. When you cut yourself off from how you feel, you are teaching yourself that those emotions aren’t worth feeling, and that you shouldn’t be feeling them. Instead, try sitting in them to see what they are trying to tell you. Paying attention to those feelings is an act of self-love in and of itself, and if you listen to yourself, you will often figure out what you need. Emotions are messages, not mistakes.
There is a strong link between self-love and mental health, and when you focus on one, the other typically improves. No one has everything in their life figured out, so that should never be the expectation for yourself. Taking time to rest, listening to your emotions, and treating yourself with kindness can rekindle that positive self-relationship. If you need some support doing this, please connect with Walmsley EFAP. There are counsellors who would be more than happy to kickstart this journey alongside you.
Robert Baker, RCC
Walmsley EFAP