The Grieving Process

All people differ in their responses to the loss of a loved one or the loss of some other significant aspect of their life. There are marked differences amongst people regarding the length of time their reactions to death or loss last and with regards to the intensity of these reactions. The differences in adjusting to loss and the associated grieving that accompanies the loss, may be based on our personality, culture, attachment to the person or object of loss, as well as our perceptions and our beliefs, spiritual beliefs about the meaning of life, death, dying and loss itself. Although we usually associate the grieving process as pertaining only to the loss of a loved one, we may also grieve the loss of relationships, friendships, a job, our health, or other area of chance. Grieving is a normal, natural process that will catch up with you at some time in the future if you fail to grieve at the time of the loss. It is possible for grieving to occur, in some cases, years after the initial loss.

Stages of Grieving     

Though there is no set process for grieving, there are some common stages which people often experience following a loss.  These stages should not be viewed as a step by step process to be experienced by all people the same way. Some people skip stages or return to stages throughout the grieving process. All stages seem to be within us at all times, yet at different times throughout the grieving process we may experience one stage as being more dominant. Death, dying and loss is seldom talked about in our society. These stages allow the individual to normalize their thoughts and feelings associated with the loss and to recognize that their strong reactions or lack of reactions to the loss are okay. They are not an indication that there is "something wrong with" or "crazy" about the person experiencing the reactions. The stages are used to guide people to better understand what they are experiencing.    

A pioneer in the study of grief, loss, death and dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross describes these stages as follows:

Denial: Often seen as the first stage and viewed as a protective reaction to the loss and accompanying changes that follow the loss (i.e. moving, lifestyle changes). If the full impact of the loss hits all at once it might produce physical and psychological overload for us. Rejecting that the loss has occurred allows the realization of the loss to be gradually accepted.

Anger: Often viewed as the second stage, anger is a secondary feeling that protects us from experiencing our true underlying feelings such as hurt, loss, and sadness. Also the anger may be a result of underlying feelings of abandonment. We may experience anger towards the person or the object of loss or others associated with the loss. This anger may be expressed at times regardless of whether others had any control over the loss occurring (i.e. terminal illness). Sometimes guilt occurs at this point as the person feels they should not be angry towards the person who has left them. Having anger is normal.

Bargaining: Often called the third stage, bargaining is sometimes referred to as the searching stage. The person tries to think of everything possible to change the loss from occurring or to prevent another loss from occurring in the future. For example, "I'll stop drinking/yelling if you come back to the relationship", or "I will stop smoking, I promise, if this cancer does not keep spreading." This is a stage when the person tries to make sense of or gain some control over the experience. Long term difficulties can occur here if the person avoids acknowledging their feelings or swears to themselves not to trust others in future relationships so as to avoid being hurt again.

Depression: This is the most common stage of grieving. The person may withdraw from others, cry a lot, and question the meaning of life. Though this is a hurtful, upsetting stage, it is also an important, healing stage. The person begins to release pent up emotions and begins to better understand how the loss has affected him/her. The person begins to integrate the loss as real and have reached a point within themselves to experience the full impact of the loss. This is a significant shift from the denial stage where the person outwardly rejected the loss as occurring. Common examples here are: "What's the point of things?"  "Why is this happening to me?", "I hate feeling this way", "I have no energy." The person withdraws here as they need energy to process the loss.

Acceptance: This is the final stage. The person has begun to understand and accept the loss and starts to reorganize their life, recognizing that they must continue with their own life. The person may begin to let go of the loss, change his/her priorities in life. With time the person begins to re-experience pleasure and the intensity of the loss begins to lessen.

How Long Does Grieving Take?

Often people want to grieve as quickly as possible. There are many reasons for this. Canadian culture does not often discuss issues related to death and dying, making it seem that taking too much time to grieve is a sign of poor adjustment. Secondly, individuals may deny how they or may bargain with themselves to avoid feeling the hurt and pain associated with the loss. Thirdly, the individual may have unrealistic beliefs about the length of time needed for grieving and what is normal grieving following a substantial loss.

Grieving takes time! It is usually six months before a grieving individual stops thinking daily about the death of someone close to them or about another significant loss. In some cases, the grieving may last for periods of a year to eighteen months. Again there is no set timeframe for grieving. In all cases if the grieving process seems too intense and you feel it is lasting too long consult with your doctor or a counsellor for assistance.

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