Separation and Divorce

Test your current understanding of separation and divorce in Canada.

Are the following statements true or false?

Children are better off in a home with both parents present even when the parents' have serious relationship problems.
Young girls are less affected by divorce than young boys.
Mothers are best able to nurture young children while fathers are best able to nurture older children, therefore, mothers should have custody of young children when a couple decide to separate.
It is okay to involve older children or teenagers in the legal aspects of a divorce but not in the emotional difficulties both parents may be experiencing with each other.
Most families with children in Canada consist of a man and a woman and their children, otherwise known as a nuclear family.
On average, a year after a separation the husband's standard of living has returned to what it was prior to the separation, whereas, the wife's standard of living has dropped by almost 75%.
The divorce rate (refined) in Canada today appears to be falling, and is predicted to fall even more in the next few years.
In Canada, less than half of all marriages last a lifetime.
Half of all families today contain no children under the age of 18.
Unmarried-couple households, sometimes referred to as common-law relationships, have risen steadily since the early 70's and continue to increase gradually.
The average (median) age at first marriage for both men and women declined from the early 1900's to the sixties. Since the government started keeping records, the age at first marriage is now higher than it has ever been.
In Canada, about 25% of all children under the age of 18 live with one parent.
In 1990 is was predicted that nearly two-thirds of 2-year-olds and under, will at some time, live in a sole-parent home by the time they reach 18.
In Canada, remarriages account for almost half of all marriages.
Two reasons for the high divorce rate are: the belief in the ideal relationship and, the rise of individualistic values.
As of 1990, in the United States the number of second marriages that end in divorce is about 70%, whereas, the number of second marriages that end in divorce in Canada is around 30%.

Answers: 1) F, 2) F, 3) F, 4) F, 5) F, 6) T, 7) T, 8) T, 9) T, 10) T, 11) T, 12) T, 13) T, 14) T, 15) T, 16) T. The answers are explained in the text that follows.

Some Recent Numbers on Divorce From Statistics Canada

About 36% of divorces are a result of alcohol abuse or wife battering.
The refined divorce rate between 1960 and 1979 in the United States has increased from 9.2 to 22.8 per 1000 married women. In 1988 in Canada, the refined divorce rate was 12.6%. As you can see the Canadian divorce rate is much lower than that of the United States.
Children living with two parents decreased 15% from 1970 to 1987.
About 80% of divorced persons remarry.
In 1987 family groups with at least one child under 18 years of age broke down as follows: 27-30% one-parent headed households (3-5 % headed by men), 50-55% are step-families, 10-12% are nuclear families, with the remainder being classified as "other" such as same sex parents, foster parents, children being raised by grandparents or relatives, etc.
The increase in sole parent families is not just a result of divorce, it is also due to rising unwed birth rates, and a greater tendency for unwed mothers to establish independent households.
Of all children affected by custody orders for divorces granted under the 1985 Divorce Law, 76% were awarded to the wife, 12% to the husband, and 11% to joint custody and fewer than 1% to a person other than the husband or wife. The percentage for joint custody has been stable since 1986.
The divorce rate has been decreasing recently and is expected to decrease further. This decrease is predicted due to the change in age distribution of our society (getting older), and fewer people marrying at younger more vulnerable ages. If you marry under the age of 30, the divorce rate remains high. Regardless, two-thirds of first marriages are predicted to end in divorce.
About 86% of Canadians obtaining a divorce had not previously been married. In-other-words, it was their first divorce for their marriage.
One US study found that 54% of women who married in their late twenties experienced divorce and about the same percent of remarriages ended in divorce. In Canada 12% of remarriages end in divorce which is significantly lower than the United States figure.
The most common reason for divorce since the 1985 Divorce Act is separation for one or more years, otherwise referred to as "marriage breakdown".

Note: The above Canadian statistics were reported by Statistics Canada in July of 1990 and July of 1992. See the references attached. The results from the 1996 census are similar with a small rise in common-law relationships.

Possible Effects on Parents

1) Possible Emotional Influences and Effects

The emotional impact of separation and divorce tends to move in stages. Sometimes back and forth between stages, sometimes all at once, or sometimes one after the other. Each parent will experience the effects of separation differently and at their own rate.

a) After the separation, a period of shock and denial may be experienced. Energy is focused on simply surviving.

b) The following feelings may begin to percolate through: loss, sadness, loneliness, regret, guilt, incompetence, helplessness, hopelessness, identity confusion, lack of control, anger, vindictiveness, ambivalence, relief, or freedom. You may have heard separated friends say, "I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster".

c) During states of emotional vulnerability, normal functioning can be affected e.g. concentration, work performance, health (through illness, accident), weight changes, reliance on alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, or drugs.

d) The final stage tends to be resolution of the emotional impact of the divorce. This may involve taking responsibility of one's own part in the demise of the relationship, forgiving oneself and one's partner, gaining a sense of competence, self-esteem, assurance and direction.

Generally, working through the emotional impact of divorce takes a long time. On average people take about 18 to 24 months before they begin to feel free of the emotional impact. Some people appear to take less time but usually they are the partner who began their emotional divorce before separating. Other people may take 5 years to work through the complex emotional trauma related to their sense of loss.

A book that might help with the emotional trauma is: Fisher, B. (1989). Rebuilding: When your relationship ends. San Luis Obispo, Cal.: Impact.

2) Possible Financial Influences and Effects

The cost of setting up and maintaining independent households.
"Equal" dividing up of the house and assets may not be as equitable solution as it seems. Women may not always have had the opportunity to establish their own education and career because they were working as a full-time mother. Women are often faced with trying to support a single-parent household with a low paying job i.e. equal division assumes equality of the sexes and that is not so in reality.
Some research has shown that one year after separation, that ex-husband's standard of living has returned to what it was prior to separation, compared with a 73% decline for ex-wives with young children.
Some researchers suggest that a father's failure to pay child support is tied to the relinquishment of his parental role. The cause and affect of this choice is controversial. For example, as a father feels less involved, does he then feel less obligated to fulfill the financial responsibility? OR As a father "backs out" of his financial responsibility, does he feel less of a commitment to his parental role?
The financial cost of obtaining a legal divorce can escalate if ex-spouses become vindictive or engage in power struggles.
The cost of good child-care if a custodial mother has to return to the work force are high and can often equal her wage.

3) Change of Roles from Spouse to Co-Parents

Separate "divorce business" from "parenting issues". Your role as a co-parent will need support and co-operation. Establishing a clear method of communicating about parenting issues at a time when other areas of communication are laced with the pain or conflict around the divorce may be difficult, but it will end, your parenting will not.
Physical separation and the establishing of independent households can mean the establishment of new or different family rules, especially around parenting.
A change in lifestyle is inevitable. For example, a woman may need to find employment or increase her out-of-the-home work hours, a father may need to adjust his employment schedule to fit in child rearing duties.
Establishing co-parenting arrangements takes time and can be complex. Some role changes might be influenced by the custody arrangement, visitation times, financial responsibility, childcare and personal decision-making, negotiating family rituals such as birthdays or Christmas, extended family connection with cousins or grand-parents, school responsibilities, etc.
Your parenting role will change less if you remain available, nurturing and open to all your children's needs.

4) Legal Considerations

Negotiating custody, visitation, and property settlements with your ex-partner and in the legal arena.
A temptation to "play out " and "pay out" relationship battles in court.

5) Possible Social Effects

Adjusting to being single again and all the ensuing issues - dating, sex, self-image, children's reaction, etc.
Negotiating relationships for you and the children with the "ex-in-laws" or a new step-parent.
Over time, it is likely your social and support group will change; it may change from "mostly couples" to "mostly singles".

6) Beliefs

Some people may find themselves questioning beliefs and values that they have held for a long time about marriage, family, parenting, divorce, etc.

Web Sites

Click here for a list of books for parents and children on separation and divorce.

Walmsley & Associates