What is a Step-Family?
A step-family is often the
result of divorce and remarriage, and requires that at least one partner has a
child. A step-family may involve a number
of different combinations, for example: one person with children and the other
person with no children; two people each with children; two people each with
children, one a divorced parent, the other a widower, etc. The combinations are varied and may involve
different ages and gender of the children and parents involved, and different
circumstances of the previous families. The children and parents may also have to adjust to their former partner
also being involved in a step family with the result being the children
visiting between homes! A challenge to
say the least!
Challenging Our Assumptions about Step-families
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What we believe often
affects how we feel and behave. Therefore it is important to think about our beliefs regarding
step-families:
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Divorce does not end
families; step-families are a reorganization of families.
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Divorce does not end
parenting; step-families require a reorganization of parenting.
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Instant love between a
step-parent and stepchild is a myth; time and nurturing is needed.
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Being a stepparent is not
the same as being a parent; the responsibilities, feelings and relationships
will change over time.
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The quality of
life/relationships in step-families can be just as positive as in first marriage
or sole parent families; the structure of the family does not determine the
quality.
Ideas on Step-parenting
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Parental roles are not the same for stepparents. The
role varies depending upon the age of the child. In order for a stepparent to have the same
status as a parent it generally requires the stepparent to have been involved
in the family for a period of time equal to the age of the child (i.e. 4 years
for a four year old)
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The step-family will require a blending of some of the
beliefs, values and functioning from previous families: as well as, developing new beliefs, values and
functioning for the step-family.
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Others around you may not understand how a step-family
differs from a first marriage family. They may give advice that will not be
effective in step-families or provide criticism that is unfair due to their lack
of knowledge about step-families. Be sure
to read about step-families and seek out support.
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A step-parent may feel excluded from their new partner
and family. The biological parent needs to find ways to
include the step-parent in the family.
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Try not to blame the kids for conflicts. Talk out
your concerns as adults without being overly critical of each others children
or your partners parenting style.
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Be sure to balance parenting and couple time. Time is
equally required for parenting and the couple relationship. This will require clarifying whether conflicts
are couple or parenting problems.
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Do not pressure children to call their new stepparent
Mom or Dad. This creates anxiety for the child, and
sometimes for the step-parent and/or biological parent.
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Traditional roles of men and women in families do not
apply in step-families (nor should
they in first marriage families). The
step-parent needs time to build a relationship with stepchildren, not to be
given or to assume a disciplinarian role over the step-children.
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Hold family meetings to discuss concerns in the
step-family. Issues such as values, rituals, expectations, family
routines and organization may be aired. Meetings may be weekly or biweekly.
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Avoid being negative or critical of your formal
partner as this will only hurt your
children and possibly impact their commitment to the step-family.
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Set boundaries regarding sexuality in the home – dress codes, closing bedroom doors when changing or
using the bathroom. Discourage romance
between adolescent stepchildren. Also
set boundaries regarding teen step-parent attractions.
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The parent needs to set boundaries with how their
child treats their new partner. The new partner should be allowed to
respectfully state to the step-child things they do not appreciate.
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The step-parent must support the parent’s way of parenting,
instead of changing rules. They can talk about parenting differences
away from the children.
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Step-parents should discuss with step-children issues
that affect them directly (i.e.
being sworn at).
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Step-parent can assume “a babysitter role†when parent
is away; remind of expectations and
bring issues to the parent if expectations are not followed.
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If children visit their other parent; the parent should communicate any concerns directly
with the other parent. Concerns should
not be relayed through the children, nor should a step-parent be communicating
concerns to the other parent.
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Keep clear, consistent rules in your own home regardless of whether your former partner follows
the same practice.
For Further Help:
BC Counseling for Families – www.bccf.bc.ca
Strengthening your Stepfamily by Elizabeth
Enstein and Linda Albert, American Guidance Services, 1986
How to Win as a Stepfamily by Emily
and John Visher, Bruner/Mazel, 1991