Loneliness

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Some Facts About Loneliness

The number of one person households has increased dramatically over the past thirty years. From 1970 to 1985 there was a 69% increase in households occupied by one person. Today, it is estimated that over 27% of all marriageable Canadians 15 years and older are living alone. This does not include widowed, divorced, or separated individuals (Statistics Canada, 1996).

So ... living alone may be more common than most people are led to believe? Most people feel that being alone is equal to being lonely. We need to remember, however, that "aloneness," that is, being by oneself, and "loneliness," a subjective sensation of distress, are different. One can feel lonely in the presence of others, even a spouse, and happy alone.

Loneliness is a part of life that everyone will experience. It can be a time of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. It can also be an opportunity for personal growth.

When we experience loneliness, we tend to move away from ourselves and those feelings, and seek comfort in others or in "things". We may find ourselves drawn to one or more of the many ways society offers us to run away, such as; alcohol or drugs, overeating, gambling, too much T.V., excessive exercise, or that perpetual search for someone out there who will give us love and rescue us from our loneliness. Some people will even marry in a misguided attempt to feel better. None of these will solve the problem of loneliness.

We need to accept the fact that we are individuals whether in a relationship or surrounded by others. We can find comfort from within ourselves. Learning to be fulfilled alone is fundamental to dealing with our loneliness. As well, we must learn to love and accept ourselves in order to love another.

Loneliness and Self-Concept

Loneliness is connected to self-concept. Self-concept is the basic feelings people have about themselves, their abilities, and their self-worth (self-esteem is a part of our self-concept and involves feelings people have about their self worth). Our gender, role expectations, and sense of identity are important parts of our self-concept.

Loneliness can be reduced by accepting who we are and learning to love ourselves. One of the ways to do this is by experiencing positive solitude, the serenity, peace and love inherent in personal independence.

Some of the most powerful loneliness traps are our own beliefs about being alone. The meaning we internalize about ourselves when we are alone is very powerful. Reflect on the messages you received in high school, or that we receive from society about being alone. Usually you will recall negative messages that lead you to believe a single person is "less than" others because:

Loneliness Myths

Being alone creates loneliness

It is true that when we are alone we will experience some unhappiness. These feelings are usually no more or less than others but because we have fewer distractions to take us away from our feelings and thoughts when we are alone, we are more likely to be conscious of them. If we are willing to examine our thoughts and allow our feelings to surface rather than pushing them away, we can learn to become comfortable with our feelings. In fact, spending time alone is one avenue to dealing with loneliness.

When I feel lonely, I should try to meet more people.

It is true that meeting people will temporarily occupy your mind, but the loneliness returns when they leave. Being active is superficially effective because is does not allow time for our feelings to surface. Not allowing our feelings to surface does not solve loneliness.

People need people

It is important for us to connect and learn to become open and intimate with others but when that connection becomes a need to be with them in order to feel good about our self, we have lost our independence. We have given control of our own happiness over to someone else.

Constant entertainment will cure my loneliness

Again, this is a temporary relief.

I wouldn't feel so alone if I was in a relationship

In personal relationships people with very low self-esteem often experience a persistent and insatiable need for affection. This will often push their partner away creating a pursuer / distancer cycle which often leads to conflict. As Erich Fromm (1956; 112) puts it, "If I am attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own two feet, he or she may be a life saver, but the relationship is not one of love."

Things you can do

Web Sites and Information

Click here for a list of books to consider reading.

References