When Does Caring Become Enabling?

One of the things that make our world very special is that we reach out and care for one another. Could you imagine a world where this didn't happen, where we all lived in our own isolated area and didn't extend concern and compassion to others? 

WHAT IS CARING BEHAVIOUR

We care in many different ways.  We share our personal caring feelings directly with those we love by showing support, compassion, and concern through our words and actions, in both tangible and intangible ways.  By using empathy we let others know that we understand their needs and feelings, we take time to show our concern, we put the needs of others before our own needs. Even with people that we do not know personally we show our care by donating food or time or money. Generally we would probably state that caring is a good thing. 

IS IT POSSIBLE TO CARE TOO MUCH

It is important that everyone make their own choices and that they live with the consequences of these choices.  Sometimes the way we care takes this choice away from others.  There is a tendency to do for others in a way that denies them the right to make their own choices.  In the process we take away their autonomy and their own sense of self-direction and purpose.  We do this for a couple of reasons.  Sometimes we are simply too controlling; need to take care of others in order to feel that we are worthy; or seek to win the approval of others to build our own self esteem.

WHAT IS ENABLING BEHAVIOUR

Enabling behaviours are essentially action we take that allow, help, or even encourage the problem behaviours of others to continue.  Doing this is called enabling,   Examples of enabling behaviours are: covering up for someone else so that they avoid accepting responsibility for their own actions, tolerating their unacceptable behaviour, bailing them out of the troubles they experience, or simply ignoring the problem hoping that it will go away. These caring actions are usually done with the best of intentions; it is just that they produce the wrong results they make things worse.

WHY DO WE ENABLE
 

1.  As a caring person, particularly as a parent, spouse or family member, we want to protect and help our family member: 

When a family member makes a mistake, it is normal to want to help them put it behind them so that they can move on.  We don't want our family member to be hurt or to suffer physically or emotionally.  But making excuses for our family member will only allow the problem to continue.

2.     We want to downplay the problem, especially to others:

No-one wants to see their family member in trouble.  It is normal to use minimizing, denying and blaming to avoid looking at things honestly. But these are powerful and very subtle ways of allowing others to avoid accepting responsibility for their own actions. For many people, minimization, denial and blaming statements are an integral part of their everyday speech, and it is very easy for others to be caught up in this way of avoiding responsibility.

3. It often seems important to keep the problem private and to deal with it within the family:

This raises the whole issue of shame which is a big part of enabling.  If we see someone we are close to involved in actions or behaviours that are not appropriate or wrong, it is often the case that we also see ourselves as being part of that unacceptable behaviour, and we develop a sense of shame. This shame-based behaviour leads to the whole notion of covering up the truth and of keeping secrets.

4. Enabling gives a false sense of power or control:

It is normal for everyone to want to feel that they have some measure of control over what is happening in their world.  This is not to say that everyone is controlling but rather to state that we all want to feel that we understand and have some influence over the way things unfold around us.  When someone we are close to is acting in a way that is inappropriate or damaging or hurtful, it is normal for us to want that behaviour to end.  When our efforts to change or stop that person's negative behaviour fall on deaf ears, we are left feeling powerless.  It is at this point that something very subtle can take place and enabling enters a whole new dimension. 

Because of the feeling of powerlessness we look for something to have power over, something that will give us the sense that we are not losing control.  When the other person refuses to abandon their negative behaviours and we feel that we are unable to leave that relationship, we sometimes look for some aspect of their negative behaviour that we can gain control over.  For example, if that person is drinking to excess and their drinking is causing problems, we may choose to buy the alcohol for that person and to bring it to them, even though we hate their drinking and the resulting negative effects.  Why would we choose to do this?  By purchasing the alcohol we gain some measure of control over the problem.  We have control over what they drink, how much they drink and when they have access to the alcohol.  As bizarre as this may seem, it is a common aspect of enabling.  The tragic end result is that in order for us to have a measure of control, the other person must continue to have a problem..a vicious circle with no escape.  This is an example of enabling at its worst and it explains why so often we meet individuals who continue to enable others, even in the face of all logic that says it is not a wise course of action.

WHAT IS THE FINE LINE BETWEEN CARING AND ENABLING

If your daughter calls from a party because she or the person she is with is too impaired to drive, of course  make arrangements for her to get home safely.  In other words, in some situations err on the side of being an enabler if it will ensure safety and will ensure that an unsafe situation will not happen.  But it is important to avoid being trapped in an enabling pattern.  It is important to hold the other person responsible for their own choices.  If you find yourself feeling trapped or used or victimized or exhausted in a relationship, these are good signs that this might be an enabling relationship. It is very important that you change this pattern if there are going to be positive changes for the relationship and for the individuals involved.

HOW TO CHANGE THE ENABLING PATTERN

When the behaviour of others affects the well-being of you and other members of the family, it is important to establish what are called boundaries an imaginary line or barrier around us that we demand that others respect and that we will not allow others to cross.   These boundaries are a clear statement about just what behaviours you are willing to accept from others.  At the same time it is important that we respect our own boundaries, that we clearly identify our own behaviours that are not acceptable.  These include enabling behaviours.  In order to do this we must see ourselves as being worthy individuals who deserve to be treated with respect.

It may be helpful for you to speak with a counsellor regarding your feelings.  It may also be beneficial to attend a group like Al-Anon, where there is group support for those who are trying to avoid or change enabling behaviours.  Groups like Al-Anon are independent fellowships of men and women who share a common problem and meet to help each other recover from it.  Privacy is important to them too and participation is anonymous.