What is Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a term that became popular in the seventies. Therapists working with addicted people realized that there was a dynamic going on between the partners and family members of the addict.  Often the spouse of the addicted person was enabling the addict to continue their destructive behaviour.  It was observed that the addict became dependent on the partners rescuing and the rescuer was getting a sense of importance and self-worth from caring by the addicted person.  This behaviour was more than just showing normal care and concern for the other person and it led to the unhealthy dynamic that was termed co-dependency essentially both the addicted person and the rescuer became dependent on the addiction in order for their relationship to continue. 

In general, a co-dependent person puts others ahead of themselves to their own detriment.  Since then, this term has been used widely to describe similar behavioural patterns that arise in a number of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships involving addiction, illness and abuse.

Co-dependents care for and rescue others when it is not their responsibility to do so, usually at their own expense.  They believe that if they give enough they will be "okay" and they will be approved of and loved.  When we rely on an outside source for happiness, we create tension and stress in our mind-body; we can never be sure we are going to get what we need to make us feel complete.  To return to our state of feeling harmonious in our mind and body means we must provide our own happiness, internally and externally; not be dependent on another person or source to make us happy.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better.  They find it hard to accept themselves.  Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine and become addicted.  Others may develop compulsive behaviours like workaholism, gambling or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions.  They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating.  Co-dependents often take on a martyr role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need.  A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may pull some strings to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the "benefactor". As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from being needed. When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behaviour that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love and friendship relationships.

Patterns and Characteristics of Co-dependency

Denial Patterns:

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

Compliance Patterns:

Control Patterns:

Characteristics of Co-dependency?

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of co-dependency

  1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
  2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
  3. Your struggle affects my serenity.  My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
  4. My mental attention is focused on you
  5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
  6. My mental attention if focused on manipulating you to do it my way
  7. My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
  8. My self esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
  9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side.  My time is spend sharing your hobbies/interests
  10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
  11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
  12. I am not aware of how I feel.  I am aware of how you feel.
  13. I am not aware of what I want -- I ask what you want.  I am not aware -- I assume
  14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
  15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
  16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
  17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
  18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
  19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
  20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
  21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

How is Co-Dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person's childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behaviour patterns. Treatment can include therapy with a therapist with an understanding of co-dependency.  Al-Anon Family Groups are the counterpart of the AA program and offer a great deal of help with co-dependency issues.  For most co-dependents, just beginning to recognize their patterns of behaviour and trying to start making different choices is a good beginning.  Self-care is the basis of a good recovery program for most co-dependents as they have learned to neglect themselves in order to care for others.